goldendogblog.com

I heard Mom say it’s Vally Times Day (almost).  She said something about love and feeling all mushy, she seemed sort of sappy.  I said to her straight up “Mom, don’t be mushy, start exercising again.  You will get rid of those thighs in no time.”  She didn’t laugh and it was almost like she didn’t hear me. Anyway, she’s making cards with hearts on them she is baking things, wrapping them and mailing off to “her little sweethearts” .  Like what am I, chopped liver?  And hey, I’d take chopped liver in celebration of Vally Times Day.

*what. ever !*

So look, while Mom is taking care of a holiday I’m dealing with a whole bunch of stuff.  There’s this new girl in town.  She’s cute and all but really, who wears a pink collar?  That’s her in the picture at the top, her name is Sophie.  She acts all innocent while she is nipping at my tail.  I stand my ground, pretend it doesn’t bother me and growl like a fool when necessary.  When Mom tries to coo and cuddle the little priss I wedge myself between them and nudge nudge nudge until they separate.  Works like a charm every time.  Mom has assured me that we only have to deal with this puppy for three months (an eternity…do you hear me?  an eternity!)

Then there was this guy.  His name is Rory.  He visited for two days.  This kid I can take.  He was rough.  He was aggressive.  He was all man.  Of course, because I like him, he’s gone.  What. Ever. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

So then we have old man dog ~ Walker.  He came as part and parcel of the Rory package.  Apparently these two bags of bones were being babysat.  HA!  Imagine being babysat at this guys age.

Walker iss okay if you don’t mind old man smell and really bad breath.  I’m talking dissolve your eyelashes bad breath.  No kidding.  Nice fella, but I’m glad he’s gone.  Mom says mt eyelashes will return in no time.

Then there’s this handsome fella.  Well yeah, it’s me.  Moth says it’s Vally Times Day and it’s all about love and every day she says “Lewis Mama Loves You” so I had to slip in a picture of me. Kindly note my beautiful smile.  I am smiling because Sophie will be a memory to me in three months, Rory has left the building and the old man dog is off to the dentist.

Happy Vally Times to you and yours.

Oh, it’s here.  The Holly-daze are here.  Mom brought me over to the neighbors while she made wreaths for the front door.  She’s shopping a lot.  She’s baking a lot.  She’s smiling a LOT!  Dad on the other hand keeps checking the credit card bills and complaining about Santa not doing his part.  Me, I just dream of spring. all. day. long.           *sigh*

For me, well,  I’m wishing I could run a bit more, but the snow is deep and the little ice balls that form between my toes annoy the heck out of me and last week my shins were all scraped from breaking through the crusty layer on the snow.  I lay next to Mom (where ever she is) and vision myself running on the grass.  Since Mom talks a bunch about Loll of Attraction I suppose I’m doing the right thing ‘cuz it isn’t a lot of work.

Anyway~ Dad suggested I get off my rump and write a blog post wishing every one a Happy Holly Daze.  Jingle Bells, ho ho ho and all of that. So there, it’s done.  I’m going back to visioning spring.

It’s going to be a LONG COLD WINTER for me and Mom.

P.S.  My book is coming along just fine.  Bet you can’t wait to hear about Clark and how I booted his red butt out of my life (and Dad’s and Mom’s).  Don’t judge me too harshly, you have no idea what it was like living with that little wuss.  If you think I should have Mom help me put some of the first chapters here on the blog, leave a comment and I’ll start begging her for help.

I’ve started writing my memoirs. It was time.  My mother is always showing off her books and I”m so SICK. AND. TIRED. of it being all about her.  I love her and all and she’s beautiful and all but enough already. Like the country song goes:  “I want to talk about me.”

I bet you didn’t know I was once a furry little toddler who didn’t know where I was supposed to pee.  (Who knew that’s what the classified ads are for??)  I also bet you didn’t know that I used to have a brother named Clark.  Yes.  Laugh now.  Lewis and Clark.  Yes.  Like the two famous old men.  Yes.  Lewis and Clark.  Perhaps you just noticed that I don’t talk about Clark much.  Truth be told I didn’t really care for him.  Brother or no brother ,I thrashed him a time or two and Dad shipped him off to live some place in the country where the “grass would be greener” for old Clarky-boy.  To be blunt, Clark was a wuss.  Let’s leave it at that.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I have started the process.   In the picture above you can see that I’m using the masking tape to put up a vision board with pictures of me as a best selling author.   Mom does this all the time.  She calls is Law of Attraction.  Whatever.  I just think I look good in photographs and I want to see pictures of me.

You’re going to love hearing about my birth, my first impression of Dad,  the truth behind the “dropping of the ball” and all kinds of other stories I haven’t shared yet.  Feel free to ask questions about my life and I’ll answer them here or in the book or in both locations.

So I’m not a whitetail deer hunter but Mom said that I gotta wear a vest when I’m outside at the new house.  She said it’s DANE. GERM. US. for me to be there without day-glo orange on. I bet Twinkie isn’t wearing orange, or Daisy (well, maybe Daisy does wear orange, she’s kinda weird like that), but Prince Otto, he ain’t wearing no hunting vest that much I know.

Anyway, my vest is on and I’m ready for action.  You won’t catch me tip-toeing through the woods like the Maine whitetail deer but you can tell by these pictures that I do bound and leap like them deer do.

See?!  Ain’t I purty?

I have all the room to run and Dad and Mom are borrowing the Lady’s lazy tool for throwing.  It seems kind of slack to me but they think it’s cool, so I let them use it.  I’m even helping them out by dropping the tennis ball when I see Mom raise her arm with the lazy tool in it.

Mom and Dad can’t help it if they’re lazy. It’s who they are.  It’s not like they are a reflection of me, right?  On the other hand, I think I did see a reflection of me.  I got to this new house (no more Twinkie cat) and I go running up the entry way stairs with my Power Tail wagging, I immediately notice that The Lady has bought me oodles of chewy, hairy toys.  I’m thinking to myself “YIPPEE, I live with a Goddess!”

No sooner than I rip one of these pretty little things off the bench and go sliding around the tile floor when …..EEEEEKKKKKK…..there is ME sitting there ten years from now AND, I’m a girl!!!!  When I finally collected myself I took off running around again and DOUBLE EEEKKKKKKK….another me 12 years from now!  And oh man, do I look tired.

Shawn and Sadie aka Old Man Dog and Old Lady Dog

Well, don’t you think that set me back a bit, let me tell you something … it did. I heard Dad snicker at me and Mom laughed right out loud.  I looked at them and said “HEY~ I have feelings, too.” Humans are so mean sometimes.

Now I’m stuck here at this house with an Old Lady Dog and her brother Old Man Dog.  Whatever.  I don’t even pay them any attention.  I do, however, whack them in the face with my Power Tail just to let them know who’s boss.  AND, I had a talk with them, my Mom is MY MOM, not theirs!! They are not to snuggle with her, no sniffing, no nudging, no begging for pats. NOTHING.  She’s my Mom. (They can have Dad.)

This is not going to be easy. Maybe I’ll take up hunting.

More soon.

So look.

Mom went away AGAIN.

Yeah, like, what the heck is Mom doing going away again??  She left me here with Dad and Twinkie and the lady downstairs.  Look, they’re all okay but they are definitely not like Mom.  Dad is all screaming at the TV and saying something about BIG POPPI and Mister Papelbon not doing something right.  Dad went off about the Stinkin’ Yanks.  I’m guessing he was grouchy cuz Mom wasn’t around, but he just won’t admit it.  And Twinkie, well she just sits on top of the heater doing nothing all day long and the lady in the other room doesn’t always have her door open for me  (something about my tail wiping her stuff off the table).

So Mom was gone and I got B.O.R.E.D. and what’s a golden retriever to do when he’s bored?  I’ll tell you what it is I do when I’m bored,

I

LICK!

What do I lick?  I lick me!  My elbows are officially raw and I have managed to remove all the hair from my haunches.  And you know what, it makes me thirsty.

So I drink.  I lick and then I drink and then I lick some more.  Why not?  I’m not getting the loving I’m used to when Mom is here, and I’m not getting on the counters like I used to, I stopped using the neighbors yard as a toilet, I no longer bark like a fool when a car approaches the driveway I deserve a little something good. Licking is good.

Anyway~  Mom came home, and I jumped for joy when I first saw her and then I promptly stretched out in front of her to show her what a good job I’d done removing all the hair from my underbelly.  She must have been pleased because her eyes got really huge (I thought they were tennis balls for a minute) an then she turned around and walked away.

She’s shaking her head and saying something about addiction.  He he.  Okay Mom, yeah, I’m addicted to licking myself.  I can quit when I want, if I want.  I am not addicted to licking it’s just a habit.

Maybe a little hypnosis is in order.  We’ll see.